So, Cosmo, here we are.  I’ve been waiting for you, being coy with all of those techniques I garnered from you while flipping through your pages in the boathouse when I was sixteen.  It’s like nothing’s changed.

Perhaps because it hasn’t.

I’ve picked up the magazine now and then since my days on the high school crew team, usually when it’s on someone else’s coffee table.  It’s an indulgent affair, made safe by the fact that it’s always the same.  You’re always guaranteed the best sex ever, the lowest calorie/most fulfilling foods, insight into what guys are really thinking, and that the beautiful woman on the cover doesn’t believe in dieting.  (Oh, fun trick, you can go to cosmopolitan.com and view covers from the past decade, which more or less proves my point.)

I was ready to give some props to the June issue of Cosmo, really, I was.  A brief piece on domestic violence, safe partying tips, and a health article on when it’s not okay to ignore cramps.  And those are all good things in their own way (as in, the way they are written/displayed are within the context/audience of the magazine).  I know that a domestic violence article is going to look different in Cosmo than it does in, say, Bitch or Bust.

Also, if not for Cosmo, how else would I know that d-bag still stays strong, miz is in while OMG is out, and that I need to be showing shoulder cleavage (though I’m not entirely sure what that entails or if it’s legal).  I might even make a dive for a straw fedora because I can’t come up with a good reason not to.

But I have to throw down three times.  The first is under “Sexy vs. Skanky,” wherein the first item for business is the butt tap.  On the sexy side, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are both named, with just Biel’s face in profile.  On the skanky side, Ziyi Zhang is pictured getting ass-grabbed by an unnamed man on the beach.  Said man has pushed down her bikini bottom to do so.  Her name is printed beneath her facedown body, and a cutout shows her face just so we know who’s getting the action.  I had to Google to find out who the guy is.  Shame on you, Cosmo.

Second, under “Surprising Items That Bring Boys to You,” I’m told that one surefire item is a crossword puzzle.  Sweet, I thought, especially because another item is a Kindle, and I’ve already been told where to meet smart boys (Chuck Klosterman readings – also David Sedaris, but that’s a good place to meet boys who are gay and not funny, or maybe that’s just my impression of Sedaris).  But, no.  Wrong as always.  Why a crossword puzzle, you might ask?

“Guys love to show off how smart they are.  Look stumped and he’ll jump at the chance to help out.”

Thanks, Cosmo!

We can’t even work the puzzle together and share a mutual exchange of intellect?  Nope?  Okay, then.

Lastly, I call bullshit on the June issue of Cosmo because of another feature within the “Cosmo’s Guide to Meeting More Guys!” section.  This is under the “Great Icebreakers” box.  I’m with them at first on the last bullet point.  It starts out well enough: “It’s easy to get skittish about approaching a guy who’s in the limelight, but if you’re crushing on a starving musician, artist, or writer, remember that under-the-radar creative types are desperate for praise.”

My impression is that if someone is a starving musician/artist/writer, they’re pretty much under-the-radar.  But I’m with them, I’m picturing all those little indie/hipster boys who could appeal to a pretty girl’s geeky side.

However, they inadvertently, gender aside, make a direct appeal to me:

“March right up to that gorgeous folk singer at the coffee shop and tell him you love his work.”

Bullshit, Cosmo.

I know that stereotyping is wrong, wrong, wrong, but c’mon.  Do you really think your average demographic is going to go for a folk singer?  Or, more importantly, that a folk singer is going to go for your demographic?

Ten to one odds say that your gorgeous folk singer dons a skirt for contra dancing.

And something tells me that the average Cosmo reader doesn’t see the hot new skirt for summer and immediately thinks, I’d love to see that on my man.

Just sayin’.

Thanks for thinking of me, though.